Personal assistant

May 15, 2018 ยท 3 minute read

"Zulman Inc would like you to give feedback on why you are removing this book from your collection and what can they do to improve your experience." The gentle calm voice of Madonna, optimized to insinuate the maximum effect of empathy, gentleness and feminine repose that federal regulations on artificial personal assistants allow, filled Edward's ears.

He listened to the whole sentence calmly and then said "No feedback."

"Would you like me to find you a new book?"

"Not at the moment."

"Perhaps a TV show?"

"No, thank you"

"Would you like me to show you what's trending?"

"No. I would like you to leave me for now."

"Okay. I am here whenever you need me. Just to recap today's news..."

"No news please."

"I will update your account preferences according to this choice. Have a goodnight."


"Sir, have you changed your mind about the feedback?"

"No I have not changed my mind. It's the only one I got."

"I'm sorry but I cannot understand you."


"Would you like me to today's trending videos with the tag humor?"

"No. No trending videos. Can you open the library for me?"

"Ah, looking for a book? Zulman is the best place for top selling books and magazines. Would you like me to go through the top seller list for the 31st week of the year?"

"No, no top selling books. And before you ask, no trending books either."

"Alright. Would you like me to go through the trending books by the top critics for the 31st week of the year?"

"No. Can you just open the library?"

"Opening library. There is a sale on Naked heart - A soul's undressing part 3."

"Please... switch to the personal collection."

"Switching to personal collection. Nothing new added. Would you like me to find something new to read from the store?"

"No. Just go through the collection. Filter by authors named Ember Blessing."

"Two titles by Ember Blessing found. No titles with the genre Philosophical Fantasy found in the store. 5432 titles with unique genre are available in the book store. Would you like me to read..."

"Please stop"

"...the first paragraph from a book selected suited to your age group, locality and recommended by people in your area? No payment is required for this preview. Say Terms and Conditions to review indirect charges and data collection policy."


"Are you sure?"


"Would you like to take a short survey?"

"Just open the damn book, would you?"

"According to federal regulations on safe use of artificial personal assistants, the tone and the word D. A. M. N. has been recorded and will be kept in archive for up-to fifteen days for your personal safety. Your usage has been temporary limited to thermostat and lighting control until a human customer support representative could review the case. The estimated time is 34 hours 25 minutes. Would you like to turn down the heating according to recommended eco safe settings?"